Over the past few years I have learned to forgive and let go of many things. I’ve learned to forgive and let go of past mistakes, slights, hurts and yes even people. I am however having a lot of trouble with the forgetting part. I have been trying to put the past to rest while still learning how not to let it affect my life and how I look to the future. I want to be able to shed my feelings of hurt, anger and pain and then be able to give 110% of me without having the fear of being hurt again. And that is where I am having a hard time.
People say to let sleeping dogs lie but yet at the same time they also say that you need to have closure so that you can move on. In their own way both of these make a lot of sense, but yet at the same time they also contradict each other in my mind. How can I have closure when I can’t confront some of the biggest issues in my life? I’ve tried my best to let those “sleeping dog issues” lie, but every so often they wake up and rear their ugly heads and I am back to square one. I want to move on, but I can’t when there are reminders even after I thought I closed and locked those doors. Somehow a memory, a song, a wandering thought or something totally unrelated flings open those doors of painful memories and unfinished business and I can feel the hurt and anger building up in me all ever again. The “what ifs” and what could have or should have been(s) start flooding my mind with questions that I may never be able to answer. Some nights I keep reliving things in my mind over and over again and how I might have handled things differently; then before I realize its morning. I’m tired of being tired and I’m tired of feeling those old feelings of hurt, anger, pain coming back to haunt me.
My biggest issues are centered on people that I can no longer contact since most of them are dead and the ones who are still alive refuse even a phone call or letter. I realize I can’t change the past, but at the same time I feel as if I can’t go forward without getting the closure I need. It’s not that I want to be confrontational or place blame. I want to tell them I forgive them and hope they can forgive me. I want to tell them I understand their past words and actions and where they were coming from at that time and place. I need to tell them that I need to heal my wounds and I can’t until I feel that I’ve healed theirs as well.
This is where I’m at and until I can figure out a way to get the closure I need, I feel like I’m just running in my own private hamster wheel. So I am putting this “out there” to the universe. I know I may never get the answers I seek, but at the very least all I can say is that I tried…