Ok, it’s been awhile since I have posted about “R”. As some of you may remember “R” and I have been involved for almost 18 years. We met many years ago through our son’s respective Scouting Troops. We hit it off almost from the first night we met. Although we were both married at the time, (I have since divorced) we got together whenever and wherever we could, and still do.
I have also posted previously about the guilt and frustration that I had during my marriage, and not facing many issues (cheating, being gay, lying etc.), but at the time this “relationship” worked out for us while still keeping our “secret” life.
Since divorcing my ex, although I am still in the closet I am yearning for the day when I can be free and honest to everyone around me. I would also love to be able to “settle down” and have an open and honest long term relationship. But I know that is something that may be years in the future, if ever. I know that as I approach my 50th birthday this year, the longer it takes for me to “come out” the less my chances for finding “Mr. Right”.
You see, as I have said before, I believe that I have already found him, but as he has told me he will never leave his wife. I have learned though it is more out of “fear” of coming out more than love or loyalty to her. And I am not saying that to hang on to even the slightest shred of hope as I know they have both gone their seperate ways emotionally and physically years ago. Theirs is more of a marriage of convenience for their own reasons and each won’t let go of the facade.
In a way though I can’t argue as I had the same relationship with my ex for almost the entire time we were married, although it was more of a marriage of convenience for me rather than her. I can’t say I didn’t love her, I did and on some levels still do. I just never was able to express that love physically. Although our marriage did “produce” 2 children, (and yes they are mine), our sex life was non-existent after our 4th year. Sure there were times here and there after that, but I could count them on both hands and still have fingers left over. I guess deep down after years of blaming herself (an me never admitting the truth), she came to the realization that I was the “problem”. When she did finally ask for a divorce, I agreed, almost too quickly. By then our kids were young adults and there was no reason to continue. On some levels I think that she knew or suspected, that I was gay, but it was never discussed openly other than a few times throughout our marriage. We wanted our parting to be as peaceful as possible (and it was), so we never really went into depth as to what was the cause of it’s demise and that is another thing that I have to settle once and for all. If anything, just to be fair and honest to her for once.
I know that once I come out, I have to come out to her as well and apologize for all those years of grief that I caused her. However, I am so afraid of losing that connection. As I said, we are civil with one another, even friends to a point, and I know once the truth comes out it may cut whatever ties we still have.
And I think that it’s the one thing that is holding me back the most. I don’t know if I will find the right words or be able to take the emotional pummeling that I know will come when I tell her. I am NOT saying that it won’t be deserved, it is, but I guess my biggest fear is hurting her once again and maybe severing last vestige of a relationship that we have.
I have read literally of hundreds of other gay men who are/were in similar circumstances, and although once they finally came out in many cases relationships were either totally destroyed or severely damaged. Yes, there are some that the honesty actually improved the relationship with their ex’s but those are far and few between.
I guess I have to learn though to accept the worst and pray for the best. I do know that whatever the outcome, it is totally my fault. I was the one who lied, I was the one that kept a secret and I was the one that let her down for over 22 years. Once I can get past that hurdle, I think the rest would be like a walk in the park.