Ok, some of you may have been thinking that I forgot the original reason why I started this blog because of my recent posts. Rest assured I haven’t and I am still trying to open the proverbial door so that I can finally proclaim to the world that I am an out and proud gay man.
Well, I have stepped out of the open door here in the blog-o-sphere, however coming out to my family and friends is still another matter. On one hand I have had no problem admitting to myself, after all, I knew I was “different” way back in grammar school. It wasn’t until High School that I was finally able to label what my “difference” was. Funny thing is almost everyone else in High School knew as they felt free to call me queer, faggot, homo and every other word they could think of to let me know that they knew. Even after being beat up several times, in between the name calling, I still clung to the false notion that I wasn’t what they said I was, although in my heart of hearts I knew the truth.
I did everything I could think of to prove otherwise. OK, so I wasn’t into sports (or Phys Ed. Class), and yes I performed in all the school musicals as well as the school band, I still DATED GIRLS! And to prove to myself that I wasn’t a degenerate I even had sex with girls. OK, so I usually kept my eyes closed and pictured my latest male crush, but I was still able to “perform”! But in the end, I knew it was all a sham.
As I have said before, I was so deep in the closet that I married, had kids and still denied, denied and denied. I am ashamed to admit that yes, I stepped outside of my marriage to fill the need for sex with men. Yet, as wrong as it was I couldn’t stop, nor could I admit to those around me the truth. I could go on with the excuses that I was ashamed, humiliated and that I really wanted to change but I knew they were all lies.
The “burden” only grew heavier year after year after year. Even during those times when I was “caught” I gave convincing lies to cover-up what I believed to be damnable and immoral behavior. I felt as if I couldn’t look anyone straight in their eyes anymore, including God, my family and myself. I even contemplated suicide on several occasions as a means to stop the hurt and pain that I was causing myself and others. However my fear of being “outed” after my death prevented me. One time I even went as far as to erase all traces my secret life figuring that at least if I died, nothing would “turn up” to out me. I ditched my magazines, videos etc into a dumpster far from my house and then thought well if “something were to happen to me” my secret would die with me.
Chicken that I was, I never followed through on my plans and continued to live my life of lies. I did however try another tactic that would rid me of my “immoral” behavior. Yes, that’s right, I decided to talk to a priest to see if there was a way I could be “cured” and become “normal”.
Thus began a one year journey into “reparative therapy”. So as NOT to out myself I chose a priest in another county who I knew would help me turn away from the “gay lifestyle”.
I think that I will end today’s post on that note. I bet though you can all guess tomorrow’s topic!