Ok, just to make you Midwest folks happy, my outside thermometer (which is in the shade) read 100 degrees today. Needless to say I wasn’t a happy camper. To say I dislike hot, sticky days is an understatement to say the least. I FRIGGIN HATE THEM! In the past 2 years we have had the warmest winters and hottest summers on record and yet there are those that say global warming is a myth. WTF???
Anyway, enough about the weather. I really wanted to blog about the past few days about so many different things that I couldn’t get my thoughts together about anything in particular.
First, I want to thank those of you who either commented or wrote me privately about some of the problems that I have been facing lately. Your words of encouragement really mean a lot to me and have helped me see things in a different perspective. Things will get better eventually, but now at least I know I can come to you and whine when needed, THANKS!
I have also had a lot of time recently to think about where my current relationship is going. Yes, I know once I formally “Come Out” it will have already ended, but in the here and now we both still have very strong feelings for each other and I am relishing every moment that we still have. Although our relationship started out being just about sex, within a short time, we started exploring our feelings about each other. We went from a relationship based on sex which was a physical outlet to meet our needs, to infatuation which then blossomed into a true love (and respect) of one another.
I won’t lie to you and say that everything has been a bed of roses (it hasn’t) or that we’ve never had any disagreements (we have), but we have always tried our best to make our relationship work within the limits that we both knew would always be there.
I have to admit though as I come to wrestle with my issues I am finding more often that I have less tolerance for those limits. At times I feel like I am merely the “other” person in his marriage and I get so jealous that I want to scream and at other times he makes me feel as if it is just the two of us against the world.
Although I am the “dominate” one in the relationship (another story for another day), I have allowed him into my heart. No matter where I go or who I’m with later on, I will always have a part of my heart reserved for him that no one will ever will ever be able to penetrate.
Even though I know that letting go won’t be easy, I’ve learned that staying will even harder. I can’t lie to myself anymore and I can’t live in the shadows anymore.