Why I do what I do…

Recently I received an email from someone who has commented on this blog. His letter really made me think about things as well as give me a perspective on my eventual coming out. I thought that I would share with you highlights of my reply. Hopefully you will gain a better understanding of me and what I am going through. Although my answer was originally intended for just one person to read, I felt that it was good enough (with a few minor edits) to post here. I hope you feel the same way to!

Dear D,

Thanks for the birthday greetings! I hope that your visit went well and met all your expectations!

Believe it or not I am looking forward to my 50’s! I just hope that they live up to my expectations.

I really appreciate the fact that you have taken the time to read some of my former posts. It makes writing them feel worth it to an extent, although writing them has helped me work through some of my issues.

I wish I had the answer to your questions, I have asked myself those questions over and over. I do agree that society has a lot to do with why we sometimes self defeat. We are bombarded throughout our lives that we are evil or somewhat less of a human for being who we are and that message has to carry it’s way into our psyche.

I have also talked with some of the “younger” generation who had more support systems in place who not only have a better sense of self but are also more able to counter the negatives when faced with them. Not that I am saying it’s a perfect world for LGBT folk, but the road has been paved and they are more than happy to march down it proudly.

I thought that I tried living most of my life for myself, but that is one of the issues that writing my blog has brought up and that is I really never did. It was always for my parents, wife, kids or friends. I never really did what I wanted, but rather what was expected. And I am tired, I need to think of me first which I am slowly learning how to do. Okay, so it’s taken me more years than most, but then again, I feel that the best is yet to come.

My ex and I were married for 23 years when we made the decision to split. Although the questions of me being gay came up throughout our marriage, I never answered them honestly. Truth be told, I really don’t think that either she or my kids will be shocked when I do come out. My daughter who lives with me (and is a lesbian) tells me she knows I am gay and to just admit it. I of course still deny it. I want my coming out to be on my terms and not to be forced. My son, has asked me, but I get the feeling he really doesn’t want to know the answer if you can understand that. He loves me and always will, but I am afraid that he would be more hurt by my lying to him than having a gay father. I have been looking for a support group for dads who are coming out, but so far no luck.

Unlike you, I have known I was gay most of my life. I remember feeling “different” from the other boys way back in grammar school. I never shared their interests in sports or other games and always preferred to play with the girls or by myself. High School was a nightmare that to be honest, I have blocked out. Only recently have memories of High School have started to surface and I have been dealing with them for what they are. I know I can’t change any of them, but at least now I can put them into perspective.

I too tried to conceal myself by delving into religion, I even joined a fundamentalist church so that I could deny my gayness as an evil spirit. I secretly prayed (and had hands laid on me) to remove that spirit and make me whole. After 5 years of so, I finally realized that being gay wasn’t something that I could turn on and off and that yes, I was born this way. No amount of praying would change who I am. However, I still pray, but now I pray for the courage to be who I am and who I was meant to be. I know that God created me in his image and that he didn’t make a mistake with me.

I also realize that when I come out it won’t cure all my problems and issues, and that is why I am trying to get as many of them out in the open and dealt with before I come out. I figure that the less I have on my plate then, the more able I will be to tackle any new issues that will arise.



About Kevin

I am 58 and I have finally decided to open the closet door and venture out.
This entry was posted in Coming Out, Gay Theme, Growing up, Life, Mentors, Musings, Politics, Religion, Self Discovery, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Why I do what I do…

  1. Dawn says:

    Hey Kevin,

    I didn’t realize your daughter was gay. (you may have mentioned it in a previous post, but my memory sucks!) Anyway, maybe it would be easiest to come out to her first since you already know she is accepting of the gay lifestyle. Just my 2 cents, of course, but it’s as good a place to start as any.

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