I don’t know about you, but I’ve noticed that during this time of year, when nature is renewing itself people tend to be more “flowery” when writing and speaking. I guess for some the newly green and budding world around them, inspires them to look at the world in a whole new light.
The weather here in Southern New Jersey is still waffling between 60 and 80 degrees (Fahrenheit) from day to day and the signs that spring is finally here are abundant where ever you look. So, while everyone talks about the cute little baby birds in the tree outside their window or the precious squirrels that romp around their backyards, I can’t help being just a little bit cynical. So being the stubborn Taurus Bull that I am, I on the other hand tend to be more of a realist when it comes to the joys of spring and summer.
So here are some examples of what goes through my mind when I hear others around me wistfully talk about the joys of spring and the coming summer…
THEM: The trees around my house are in full bloom and it’s such a joy to watch the birds build their new homes in preparation for the next generation.
ME: Shit, look at all those leaves that I’m going to have to rake AGAIN in the fall, not to mention all those shit bombing birds that I’m going to have to dodge whenever I go out back.
THEM: Don’t you just love the smell of fresh blooming roses and lilacs!
ME: Where the hell did I leave my bee sting kit!!!!!
THEM: This morning I saw the cutest squirrels play tag in my yard, while I had my morning cup of coffee on the back patio!
ME: Damn it, who the hell left the back door open!
THEM: Wow, I got to give my lawn it’s first “haircut” this year!
ME: I don’t care that the front lawn is 3 feet high, it’s 110 in the friggin’ shade, you mow it!
THEM: Don’t you just love those balmy summer nights?
ME: Let’s see, the air conditioner konked out again, the humidity and the temp are both over 95, it’s 3 o’clock in the morning, me and my sheets are soaking wet with sweat and I have to look fresh and perky for an 8 A.M. breakfast meeting with a new client!
THEM: There’s nothing like hearing the sizzle of a nice juicy steak cooking over a barbecue!
ME: Why is it whenever I have a cookout, it’s the hottest day of the year and I’m stuck barbecuing enough food to feed the Fourth Regiment and everyone else is either in the air conditioned house or the pool?
THEM: Who needs to pay for air conditioning when you have a pool, I save a fortune every year on my electric bill! When I get hot I just jump into the pool and cool off!
ME: Let’s break this down. Water Bill – $1000.00, Chemicals – $500.00, extra Homeowners Ins. – $800.00, electric cost for pool filter that runs 24/7 – $300, groceries and liquor to feed and entertain all your new found friends – $1500.00, new barbecue to impress those family and friends – $950.00 –OR– Lay quietly on my couch, as I sip an ice cold margarita in a climate controlled 68 degree house while I watch the kid from down the street cut my grass on the hottest day of the year and then pay him from some of the money I saved from NOT buying a pool – PRICELESS!
Okay, call me a grumpy old man, but one thing I learned in my life is that there are 2 sides to every situation. The wisdom comes in when you learn to pick the side (or path) of least resistance!