Testing the waters…

Well last night I had another long late night phone call with my “friend” (who I will call “R”). We have had thousands of these late night calls over the years. We have found it the best way to discuss things (you know “couple talk”, our relationship, issues, feelings etc.), during our relationship since for the majority of our time together we were both married and when we do have a chance to get together, talking isn’t high on our to do list if you get my drift. Although I have been divorced for the past 5 years, he isn’t; so we’ve continued with our late night calls. Don’t get me wrong these calls weren’t about phone sex, but rather our “alone” time together to talk and share.

So, as I have posted previously, we both knew going into the relationship 16+ years ago, that it would never be open in the sense that we would eventually declare ourselves a couple. We were both married and our relationship at first, was an outlet for sex. Over time things changed between us and we fell in love. Yes, it’s a love with limits, but what loving relationship doesn’t have limits? One thing however R has always made clear is he would never come out and if I made the decision to come out, it would mean the end of us. In a way, you can say I have had that sword hanging over my head and that it kept him in control of the relationship and in a way you’re right, but I allowed it. You have to realize, for the longest time I was married and equally scared to death of coming out and facing all of the baggage that comes with it. But, I am now ready to finally start the “process” and I know that in the not too distant future, I will finally be able to tell everyone about a part of me that I have kept hidden all my life. And with your help through this blog, it is making that process much easier that I could have imagined.

Like many who have come out, there are losses along the way that must be faced, some easy to take, others that hurt to the core. But, in the long run IMHO, in the end it’s worth it to finally be true to yourself and those around you. Easy to say much harder to do…

Well, back to the phone call…

About an hour into our call, I hinted around the edges that I wanted more out of life and that I needed to come to terms with myself and the fact that I was gay and I couldn’t lie about it anymore. R, immediately knew where I was going and again reminded me of his views. Well, for the first time I came back at him and told him that it wasn’t about us, but about me and how at soon to be 49, I needed to break away from the lies and deceptions that have ruled my life. I told him, that I wouldn’t bring him into it and would even go along with whatever story he came up with (as long as it didn’t humiliate me), so that he could keep his secrets, but I couldn’t allow the threat of losing him, keeping me from doing what I need to do.

At first he was very defensive, (and angry) but after talking some more he started to understand my reasons for wanting to come out. He also admitted that he has “toyed” with the idea from time to time, but knows in his heart that he could never do it because in his mind, he could never face anyone in their eyes again. I could have told him that he would eventually feel better about himself, have more self esteem yadda, yadda, yadda, but from my experience so far, I know that it’s something he has to learn on his own. Maybe someday he will, maybe he won’t, but I won’t hold my breath. That’s his journey to travel not mine.

We eventually ended the call on a good note, and for the first time in a long time I feel the slightest bit freer that I did the day before. So, for the time being he now knows where I stand, whether or not he wants to stand with me are stay behind is his decision. All I know is I got my first feather for my wings…

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About Kevin

I am 58 and I have finally decided to open the closet door and venture out.
This entry was posted in Coming Out, Gay Theme, Life, Musings, Self Discovery, Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Testing the waters…

  1. tornwordo says:

    He wouldn’t be able to look into others eyes because of shame. There is nothing to be ashamed about. That’s the final truth.

  2. jamtown says:

    Good luck. I am out to my wife, but still in a straight relationship (she doesn’t mind me being gay as long as I…well…am not gay).

    At 37 I am really feeling the need to live life as I really am, though children complicate our particular picture. Not sure where I’ll go with it. But you know you aren’t alone…

  3. Ed says:

    I have never been in a relationship with a married man so I really can’t say what you guys should do. Just that anything worth having is worth fighting for. Good Luck.

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