Part of my process of coming out is to explore and share many of the issues that are important to me and also those that helped to shape my life. My adoption has had a profound effect on my life as well as the search for my roots. So I decided to share with you a brief recap of my search and ultimate reunion with my birth family. Although I was fortunate to have closure for many of my questions, not all stories end the way we expect.
After becoming more aware of the need to know who I was and where my roots lay I decided to search for my birth mother. That search took 24 years and was filled with many twists and turns, disappointments and ultimately many answered questions . Unfortunately she died about the time my search began all those years before. I never had the chance to hug her, thank her or tell her how much I loved her. For some unknown reason all during my search, deep in my heart I knew, if and when I did find her she would no longer be alive. I did however find her legacy; five birth sisters and a brother, who all gave me immediate and unconditional love, the likes of which I have never before experienced in my life. Upon learning that Mom was a full blood Mohawk, then and there my life and the kind of spirituality that I practiced throughout my life made sense. Although I was raised as a Catholic, organized religion to me was too man-made and conflicted with my spiritual views. For many years throughout my search, I carried in my wallet, the poem which I now share with you. I always found it very soothing but I also never realized it was also a part of my heritage. It strengthened me spiritually whenever I was at a low point in during my search and gave me the strength to go forward. Now I know that those words were my mom’s way of letting me know that everything would be all right.
Although her path in life was filled with many obstacles, she did her best to smooth the way for all of us with her spirit for living and her unyielding love, no matter what the cost to her. She made the hardest decision any mother could ever be asked to make. And for this, I honor her, treasure her memory, and will always keep her in my heart and spirit. My greatest loss in life is to never have held her, let her know how much I love her, or look into her eyes and let her know everything is all right. Her spirit lives on in her children, and as a “new” member of the family I can only say that her love shines forth in each and every person whose life she has touched. I can only hope to be one-tenth the man she deserves. This poem (although not written by me), is dedicated to my mother:
UP here On the Mound – Author Unknown
Listen carefully on this mystic night,
Up here on Up here on the mound ‘neath the pale moonlight
You can hear the sounds of the Ancient Ones
The songs, the dance, the whistle and the drums.
Look closely now through the trees before
From up here on the mound throughout the forest floor
You can see them as they lived out here in the wild
The Hunter, the Warrior, The Maiden and Child
A feeling within me a vision must have occurred
While up here on the mound their spirits must have stirred
I will never forget this feeling, this feeling I have found
The Peace, The Love, The serenity up here on the mound
Mom, If you can see into my heart, I love you and my arms ache to hold you, if only once!
Your son, Kevin