Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night and know you needed something but just couldn’t figure out what? Better yet, deep down you knew what you wanted but tried to resist the urge? These days it’s a lot easier to fulfill that urge. All you have to do is jump on the Internet and you can find just about anything to satisfy you, if you get my drift. And if your lucky you can even get human contact of the NSA variety.
There are many sites where you can log in and see who else is “up” and willing. Sites such as Manhunt or Craigslist are but two of the many sites where you can go to find someone either for a quick hookup or that ever elusive Long Term Relationship. To be honest, I have checked out those sites, but I have yet to meet someone or even try to make any form of contact for several reasons.
The first being, although he is married, I have been in a LTR and I haven’t (so far) felt the need to see someone else. Don’t get me wrong, I know that this “relationship” will never be full-time, but it works for the both of us and I have no expectations of it advancing. As a matter of fact, I do know that once I take my final steps out of the closet, it will end. Does my partner know of my plans? Although we haven’t had the “talk” yet about my eventual intentions, he has made it clear to me that if I ever decide to come out he will never join me as I close the door behind me. I know that it may sound odd, but as much as we love each other (yes, it isn’t just about sex), we are both well aware of the limits of our relationship and that is why we haven’t discussed yet where I am now in my head and the need I have to come out. I don’t know if it’s because I know as soon as we do, it will be over or if I am not ready to let go of him. Some may say that I am using him for the time being (16 years so far), and maybe on some levels they’re right. But, to be fair it’s been a one way, dead-end road for the both of us.
So, another reason why I only lurk on those sites is I see several things that disturb me. First, unless you are in your 20’s or early 30’s, buff, slim, trim, have a full head of hair, go to the gym everyday and have a 9″ cock, as they say in Brooklyn, “fuged-aboudit”. Sadly, at my age (48) and body type (bearish) and lack of a gym membership, (and no I also don’t have a 9″ cock, but it ain’t a cocktail wienie either), I am what is considered a “troll”. Unless I want to be someone’s “daddy”, which isn’t my “thing”, my options are limited to say the least. (Hey I’m all for a little kink and hot sweaty sessions here and there, but there is also a lot to be said for “vanilla” sex”.) I am also not into leather, fisting, S&M, or some of the other “fringe” activities that us “older” gays seems to drift into which even further cuts down on the proverbial “fish in the sea” to fishing for those on the endangered species list.
“Hooking-up” for a momentary thrill may be okay for some, but I have never been one to settle for “Mr. Right-Now”. Call me old fashioned, but I do believe in love or at the very least, getting to know more than just a person’s a/s/l and preferred positions before I hop into bed with them. Okay, when I was younger and AIDS was still a couple of years away, I did my fair share of “cruising” but I guess as I have grown older, I have also grown wiser. I have also learned that a quick roll in the hay only satisfies temporarily. Having someone around to cuddle, talk, share you thoughts and fears means more than even the most mind blowing sex. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that sex isn’t unimportant, but having someone that loves you for who you are rather than what you do in bed is so much better!
This leaves me to the realization that unless the heaven’s open up and it starts “Raining Men”, once I do eventually make that leap out of the closet my chances of finding “Mr. Right” will be as elusive as winning the Irish Sweepstakes. And that is another reality that I have to prepare myself for, spending my life alone and it scares me.