Well, after re-reading some of my previous posts, I realized that some of them were very heavy in the issues department. So, I think it’s only fair that perhaps I lighten the mood a little bit.
Have you ever been in one of those situations, that no matter what you do or say you just dig the proverbial hole even deeper than it already is. I know I dug plenty of those holes that I care to mention. Anyway, here is just one of mine…
First, a little TMI, I usually go commando. Hey, what can I say, the boys hate to be confined anymore than they have to. I could never figure what the sense is in wearing underwear anyway unless you don’t have good grooming skills and then the underwear is an added layer of protection. I also figure why waste a new clean pair for that proverbial accident your mother always warned you about. They’re only going to cut them off in the ER anyway, right?
It was during one of those times in my life when I looked in a mirror and horror of horrors I realized that I needed to go on a diet AGAIN! I guess it was either a case of denial or it just didn’t dawn on me, that I was starting to wear my “fat” jeans again. In any event, it was back to rabbit food, no soda, no desserts, limited carbs and few proteins. (Well, I had to have some protein…..)
So, back to the dieting and no underwear theme. This one time in particular things seemed to be going extremely well and within 3 weeks I was proud of the results. There was however one thing that I have noticed as I have aged. And that is when you’re on a diet you loose weight in different places than when you were younger. For me, my legs were never really a problem since they are the most muscular part of me. After my love of biking and never having lived in a house w/o stairs I could crush a coconut between my thighs. Well, maybe not a coconut, but I have done some serious damage to a cantaloupe, (don’t ask how I know this, just trust me…). Now that I am past the age of 40 I tend to loose weight first in my butt and no matter how hard I try, the belly is the last to go.
So, one day I was in a rush to get out of the house and grabbed the first pair of jeans that I could find on top of the laundry basket. Naturally, they happen to be one of my “larger” sized ones. At first they felt okay and I grabbed my keys, phone, wallet etc. and ran to do my errands for the day. What I didn’t count on was that as the day wore on, the more “relaxed” my jeans became. Having my pockets weighted down I found myself constantly adjusting my pants so that they were where they were supposed to be.
My last errand of the day was to stop at the grocery store to pick up a few things for dinner that night. From past experience, I learned NOT to get a cart for in-between shopping trips or I would end up buying 3 times the amount that I went in for. (After all who can’t resist a sale?) Since there were none of those little basket available, I figured it was okay as I only needed to get 3 or 4 things and I could carry them. What I didn’t figure was that by the time I got to the checkout line my arms would be full. (OK, so I just couldn’t pass up my favorite grooming “products” that were on sale). So, here it is @ 5: 30 when the lines are longest and people couldn’t care less if you were struggling to carry everything in your arms, they were in line first and the hell with you!
That is when I noticed something wasn’t quite right. My jeans were slowly sliding down my ass and due to the recent weight loss, there was nothing there to stop them. For a while I was successful in using my elbows to act as a brake for the slow descent of my pants. I thought I was safe until I hit the counter and could put down my items and adjust my pants correctly.
Well, ever get behind those people who use checks and then have to dig for 2 forms of ID? Then to top it off they stand there and check their receipt to make sure all the prices are correct and EVERY coupon was doubled? To make matters worse, the next person was paying their bill with change and to make matters worse, she had to dig the depths of her purse for the last 75 cents!
Not only was I starting to sweat, panic was also setting in. My elbow technique was failing, and I had to think fast. I was about to introduce everyone in line to Junior and the boys and maybe in the process get arrested for lewd behavior. This was NOT the way I wanted to make an impression nor was it the way I wanted to be remembered. I also didn’t want the in-store video cameras to make a permanent recording of the “unveiling” either. My luck it would end up on YouTube and would be listed in “short” category.
So thinking quick, I dropped everything in my arms and did a quick adjustment as I bent down to retrieve my items. As I started to bend down and pick everything up, I thought that I was in the clear until I heard a giggle behind me and a mother admonishing her daughter not to look. It seems that when adjusting my pants, I didn’t pull the back up all the way and when I bent down…. I guess you could say, I put every plumber in the world to shame! Talk about saying no to crack! My picture could have been used advertise the Grand Canyon!
Therefore, with as much dignity as I could muster, I scooped up the rest of my items, placed them on the counter (I FINALLY got there!) and did not look at another person in the face until I was safe in my car. I was so red that I could actually see the heat steaming off of my sweaty cheeks. (No not THOSE!)
Theoretically, this should be the end of the story, HOWEVER…. When I got home, my daughter was on the phone and laughing hysterically. She quickly hung up when she saw me and while still laughing asked me if I had anything interesting happen to me. I said “No, why are you asking?” Then it hit me, somehow she knew! But HOW? Then she asked me if I knew if the moon was going to be full that night. Right there and then I knew I was busted, but how did she know so fast? The store is at most a 3 minute drive from my house and I didn’t see that pesky “News Van” following me home.
Well, it seems that a friend of hers just happened to be at the store and was in line behind the woman with the giggling girl. Needless to say not only did I not see her, but she was armed with a cellphone and my daughters number. For 2 weeks I couldn’t walk by my daughter without her busting out laughing, adjusting her pants or asking me if my belt was tightened. No matter what I said or didn’t say could I manufacture and adequate response and if I did, I knew that that hole would eventually hit China.
To this day (this happened over 2 years ago), I make sure that whatever I am wearing not only fits right, but I keep my shirt tucked in no matter what, and even if I am only getting one item, I grab a cart.