Brokeback Mountain Ver. 6.0.2 – PT 2

Ok, there are things that we all do in life that we are proud of and then there are things that we have done that make us ashamed. Hopefully, once that door is open for good, I can finally apologize for the hurt and pain I caused to thase around me as a result of my lies and hiding my truth.

So, with that said, let’s continue on with Pt.2…

Although I was married for over 20 years, during that time (and even today) I had LTR. Am I saying that it was/is right? No, I not only cheated on my spouse, but also on my kids, his spouse, his kids and my self-worth as well. Yes, we still are together (he is still married) after all these years, but how this relationship will end up is another post for another day.

Initially our wives were the ones who got us together. We did share some common interests and since either one of us had any real friends our wives felt that we would make great friends. Little did they know how friendly we would become, but I am NOT putting the “blame” on our wives. That was something we did all on our own and believe it or not the very first night we met!

So, my ex and I went to his house for dinner, as soon as I saw him, the alarms for my gaydar were clanging louder than a bell on a firetruck. Not only was I able to pick up the same from him, but I was so dumbstruck that I was barely able to get a coherent word out. Somehow, I managed to make it through dinner although it is all still a slow motion haze to me. After dinner I knew that I had to leave early (I was a night shift manager at the time) and I was trying to think of any possible excuse I could to get out of work just to spend more time. Since it was still early, he offered to drive me back to my house so that our wives could continue the evening. I should have known…..

We got to my house and he asked if he could come in to use the bathroom. Since I wanted to be with him as long as possible, I gladly said sure! Once we got in and he “did his business”, knowing that I still had about an hour before I had to leave, we started to talk about “manly” things. We talked about sports (we both didn’t follow any) and then about our wives (and the lack of nooky) and how sometimes it was unbearable. I am sure some of you have played that same game! Well.. as the story goes one thing led to another, then the old “truth or dare” routine and we both were going at it hot and heavy. Never in my life has anything remotely like that ever happened before and for the first time I actually saw fireworks and felt the earth move and from his response he felt the same.

Now you have to understand something, although I am not the most manly of men, I am by no means a queen either (although I do have my moments, esp when I hear a show tunes or Cher!) I am more of the bearish type. Rick (not his real name), on the other hand could pass for straight man of the year. He has the body of a slightly muscular swimmer and his mannerisms and swagger can compete with the straightest of the straight.

From that night on although there have been many changes in our lives and he is still married we are closer than any other couple I know. We have even been accused by others jokingly of course as an old married couple! We go beyond finishing each other’s sentences and pick up the phone at the same time to call each other, which in itself could be frustrating.

Now, to be honest my greatest wish in life would be for him be free so that we both can finally live the life that we have talked endlessly, but I am NOT a fool either. I know that it will never happen. Not only won’t he ever come out he is too loyal of a person. (I know it’s a very odd statement considering our relationship.) He doesn’t have it in him to leave his family. I also think that he is further in the closet than I am if THAT is even possible. For the time being we are living our lives as a compromise situation for the both of us. I do know that as much as it breaks my heart someday it will come to an end. I knew from almost the beginning that this relationship is on a road to nowhere and because of MY issues, I accept it for what it is. Although the love between us is very strong, it will never be strong enough for him to leave his marriage. But, I need this for right now until I am ready as well to make that step.

Am I a fool? I wouldn’t be honest if I said I wasn’t. I do know also that once I am ready to finally open the door all the way, I will loose him. There will be to many questions and issues that he will have to face up to that by me still being around him will provide answers that he may never be able to face.

Can someone please tell me why we get ourselves into these no-where situations? Why are there so many of us who self-defeat? Is it the hate and messages that society aims at us or does it go back to self-worth? I know that I am for from the only one to ask these questions, does anyone know the answers?

So now you know another one of the other reasons for this whole process I am going through and why it’s taken this long. I know in the end, I will loose the love of my life. But I’ve learned already that by losing him I will be gaining myself. And to be brutally honest, all my life I have lived for my parents, my ex, my kids, my grandkids, my work and yes even him. I think that it would be a “Good Thing” to finally live my life for myself…..

K

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About Kevin

I am 58 and I have finally decided to open the closet door and venture out.
This entry was posted in Coming Out, Divorce, Gay Theme, Life, Musings, Self Discovery. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Brokeback Mountain Ver. 6.0.2 – PT 2

  1. Stabby Puff says:

    That makes me so sad.

  2. dirkmancuso says:

    Sadly, those last two lines sum up a lot of people’s existences — myself included.

    Thanks for the background in these 2 posts, Kevin. And I think the jumping around in telling your story isn’t going to be a problem — I do that all the time (LOL) and folks seem to follow my pathetic life pretty well. Also, you are using the categories which makes it easy for folks to go back and follow a particular thread/story.

    I’ve written some personal posts, so I know how hard it is to both put it into words, and then to put it out there for others to read. I won’t say it ever gets any easier, but I will say it is freeing in a lot of ways. Thanks for having the bravery to share with us.

    Take care,

    Dirk

  3. Kevin says:

    From one Kevin to another … I know exactly where you are coming from.

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