I know that I am skipping around in my “story”, but as the days go by I find that different issues come to the surface. Some of them are easier to deal with while others seem to consume me. This is one that has lasted 16 years.
First for some background. As some of you noticed in my last post one of the things that I blogged about was labels that could be used to describe me. Two of them were father and grandfather. Without going into too much detail, yes I was married. Did I marry for love? To the extent that I thought love was at the time, yes. Did I consider myself to be heterosexual, no. Did I tell my future bride the truth about me, no. Did I marry to hide, yes as did thousands of gays back then. And before anyone condemns me, as Ricky always told Lucy, “You have some ‘splaining to do..” So, here is my ” ‘splaining”.
Back then (mid-late 70’s) things were vastly different than they are today when it came to sexuality. Although the “Sexual Revolution” was still in progress it was more of a Heterosexual Revolution rather than an “All-Inclusive” Revolution. Homosexuality was still considered a mental defect by the American Psychiatrist Association and gays were still being regularly rounded up at bars, cruising areas etc. even though it was almost a decade AFTER Stonewall. The Gay Movement, was in it’s infancy. Gay Pride Parades which started shortly after Stonewall were call Gay Liberation Marches and although only 2 or 3 cities had them, they were more of a political event rather than the parties they are today. (Maybe that wasn’t such a bad thing!)
So, back to why I got married under false pretenses. Although I knew I was gay without a doubt I was so in the closet, that I relished the smell of moth balls. I thought that if I got married I would become straight. You have to realize that the ONLY hetero-sex I had up until my wedding night, was a one time encounter when I was 14 and
high. It lasted all of 2 minutes. Let’s just say I was quick on the draw and let it at that. BUT, I did have many gay sex experiences some of them were with friends (who were also hiding), in parks, adult book stores (w/8mm films and glory holes), adult stores in Times Square and even once or twice at a XXX movie theater. (Now that I think about it, I always somehow new where to find some action, even though it was pre-internet and these places never advertised in the newspaper, hmmm…)
Now before you go all ballistic, this was pre-AIDS and even then I was
scared smart enough to use condoms. One, I didn’t want to catch a dreaded VD (Those high school health class films scared the piss out of me), and two I have this thing about a clean penis whether it’s mine or someone else’s being in places that could cause it to get dirty…
So…. I got married. Although our sex life left as lot to be desired (Hence, the main reason for the divorce), we did produce two wonderful children that made (in my mind) worth 22+ years of denying and lying to myself (as well as others). Although my ex as well as my kids still don’t know about me, to be honest I have a feeling that they won’t be shocked in the slightest when I am finally ready to step out. We finally ended our marriage when my wife decided that she wanted to have sex more than once or twice a decade. Seriously, if it wasn’t for my 2 kids (and YES they are mine) we may have had sex maybe 5-10 other times in 22 years. I know it sounds like I am proud of that, I’m not. I hurt too many people in the process, including my ex most of all and don’t think that suicide crossed my mind because of my actions. It did, more than once and I came closer than anyone will ever know. I guess that is the reason behind all of these revelations. I need to heal myself, before I can be true to myself and all those around me. There are a LOT of cobwebs that I need to clear…
Well, I intended to go in a different direction than I have so I will cut it here. I do promise though I will continue with my original intent later on today.