Forgiving and forgetting…



Over the past few years I have learned to forgive and let go of many things. I’ve learned to forgive and let go of past mistakes, slights, hurts and yes even people. I am however having a lot of trouble with the forgetting part. I have been trying to put the past to rest while still learning how not to let it affect my life and how I look to the future. I want to be able to shed my feelings of hurt, anger and pain and then be able to give 110% of me without having the fear of being hurt again. And that is where I am having a hard time.

People say to let sleeping dogs lie but yet at the same time they also say that you need to have closure so that you can move on. In their own way both of these make a lot of sense, but yet at the same time they also contradict each other in my mind. How can I have closure when I can’t confront some of the biggest issues in my life? I’ve tried my best to let those “sleeping dog issues” lie, but every so often they wake up and rear their ugly heads and I am back to square one. I want to move on, but I can’t when there are reminders even after I thought I closed and locked those doors. Somehow a memory, a song, a wandering thought or something totally unrelated flings open those doors of painful memories and unfinished business and I can feel the hurt and anger building up in me all ever again. The “what ifs” and what could have or should have been(s) start flooding my mind with questions that I may never be able to answer. Some nights I keep reliving things in my mind over and over again and how I might have handled things differently; then before I realize its morning. I’m tired of being tired and I’m tired of feeling those old feelings of hurt, anger, pain coming back to haunt me.

My biggest issues are centered on people that I can no longer contact since most of them are dead and the ones who are still alive refuse even a phone call or letter. I realize I can’t change the past, but at the same time I feel as if I can’t go forward without getting the closure I need. It’s not that I want to be confrontational or place blame. I want to tell them I forgive them and hope they can forgive me. I want to tell them I understand their past words and actions and where they were coming from at that time and place. I need to tell them that I need to heal my wounds and I can’t until I feel that I’ve healed theirs as well.

This is where I’m at and until I can figure out a way to get the closure I need, I feel like I’m just running in my own private hamster wheel. So I am putting this “out there” to the universe. I know I may never get the answers I seek, but at the very least all I can say is that I tried…

Posted in Adoption, Growing up, Life, Musings, Self Discovery | Leave a comment

2014 in review and 2015 will be better!

The stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 530 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 9 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

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Shining the light on HATE and HYPOCRISY – Pt. 1

This little light of mine

“This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine…”

And today’s spotlight is on: The American Family Association – A group dedicated to promote America’s “christian” family values! (Yeah right, read on….)

I was able to gain most of my background information from Wikipedia  as well as other websites and blogs.

The American Family Association is a US non-profit organization that promotes fundamentalist Christian values. It was founded in 1977 by Donald Wildmon as the National Federation for Decency and is headquartered in Tupelo, Mississippi.

The American Family Association is accredited by the Evangelical Council for Financial Accountability (ECFA) and posted a 2011 budget of over US$16 million

The American Family Association owns 200 American Family Radio stations in 33 states, 7 affiliate stations in 7 states, and 1 affiliate TV station in New Mexico.

Bryan Fischer is the director of issue analysis for government and public policy as well as a radio host for the American Family Association in which he hosts a very popular daily radio shows which features many prominent Republican candidates and elected officials.

The American Family Association has been listed as a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center (SPLC) as of November 2010 for the “propagation of known falsehoods” and the use of “demonizing propaganda” against LGBT people.

And here are a FEW of the reasons why the SPLC (and many others) has listed them as a hate group.

The American Family Association declares that no atheist should be permitted to serve in the U.S. military

The American Family Association declares that the First Amendment only applies to Christians.

The American Family Association calls for banning Muslims from the military.

The American Family Association calls for deporting all Muslims from the United States.

The American Family Association declares that Native Americans are “morally disqualified” from owning property in the United States.

The American Family Association calls for criminalizing homosexuality in the United States.

The American Family Association calls for criminalizing all sex outside of marriage in the United States.

Coming up: Tony Perkins and the Family Research Council (Hint – He won an award from The American Family Association!)

Posted in A**Holes, Diversity, Drama, Gay Rights, Life | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

And the Phoenix will rise from the ashes…… Stay Tuned…..


I Promise


So much time, so many changes, so much laughter, tears, emergencies.

So much to tell……

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Almost 5 years????? Where DO I begin?

Image“Like the sands through the hourglass; so are the days of our lives”

At this point I am not even sure if I have any readers left and to be honest I would be shocked if I did. I guess that I have a lot of catching up to do do, but I think that my first few posts will be more of a recap of these past 4 1/2 years more for me than for anyone else.

So much has happened during my absence, from mundane everyday changes to some that major events that have altered my life forever.

As you know the main purpose of this blog was to chart my coming out process (which is still a work in progress) and as a vent for the emotional roller coaster that I have been on along the way.

For this post though I am only dipping my feet in to test the waters, but I promise (to myself at least), that I will be splashing around in the waters once again.

In the meantime, if there is anyone out there, please be patient….


Posted in Coming Out, Drama, Life, Uncategorized | 1 Comment

What are you when you steal a stolen meme???

Well, I’m back, sort of…  I know that I have lost a LOT of readers since I went on my hiatus, hopefully though the will trickle back. If not, maybe I could build a new base.


Below is a meme that I stole from Dirk (TDCTDI) who as it turns out “stole” it from someone else! So, although I may NOT be a total “Gentleman” (I got 16 out of 25), at least I’m not a total rube….

The “Twenty-Five Things a Gentleman Should Know How to Do” Meme.

  • Change a flat tire – (Call AAA)
  • Tie a bow tie
  • Carve a turkey – (You’re kidding, right?)
  • Open a bottle of champagne – (Oh, waiter??)
  • Change the oil in a car – (Can you say Jiffy Lube?)
  • If asked, you know the name of a good barber – (and NO his name is NOT Flowbee!)
  • Have a tailor who knows your measurements
  • Tie a bowline, clove hitch, and a square knot – (Learned at Scout Camp as well as a few “other” things…)
  • Chop wood – (See Above)
  • Shoot a rifle
  • Make a dry martini
  • Keep a checkbook balanced – (It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to add and subtract!)
  • BBQ – (A form of COOKING, HELLO!!!)
  • Lay a fire – (Scout Camp strikes again!)
  • Change a fuse – (Pull it out, push it in… Sound familiar?)
  • Polish shoes – (Have you EVER seen a gay man with scuffed shoes??)
  • The ability to read stock quotes in the business section
  • Keep score at a baseball game – (Hint: look at the scoreboard)
  • Jump-start a car – (Not by choice, sadly)
  • Know how to throw a punch
  • Own a tuxedo
  • Know how to judge a new wine
  • Do your own taxes at least once in your life – (Actually every year since 1974!)
  • Know how how to play poker – (Scout camp again and the first game was strip poker!)
  • Carry a handkerchief
Posted in Gay Theme, Life, Musings, TMI, Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Scattergories of a Different sort…

Can you answer these...

No Torn, don’t get your hopes up this isn’t about poop, LOL! Maybe another time…

Anyway, I got this off another list and thought it was interesting. Let’s see how unique your answers are. Leave you answers in the comments section.

Here is how it works:

It’s harder than it looks! Use the first letter of your first name to answer each of the following. They have to be real places, names, things – nothing made up. You cannot use your own name for the boy/girl names. Also, if you name starts with a “K” your answers have to be different than mine.

1. What is your name? Kevin
2. A vehicle: Kia Sorento
3. A city: Kansas City, KA
4. A boy’s name: Kenneth
5. A girl’s name: Kathryn
6. Alcoholic drink: Kahlua
7. An occupation: Karate Instructor
8. Something you wear: Knitted Socks
9. A celebrity: Kate Hudson
10. A food: Kelp
11. Something found in a bathroom: K-Y Jelly
12. Reason for being late: Knocked Out from partying last night
13. Something you shout: Kiss my ass!
14. An animal: Kangaroo
15. A body part: Knee
16. Word to describe yourself: Kind



Posted in Humor, Life, TMI, Uncategorized | 5 Comments